My pen, if you have read my blog thus far, was cruelly filled by Olivia, with disappearing ink, representing her hold over my very (sometimes) certain desire to mark indelibly, the depth of my "rock bottom".
I drew a few lines.
Then I drew a few more.
Then finally, on August 1,2016, after waking from an evening of dousing the flames of hunger from lack of food and guilt/loneliness from a lack of my own integrity, I felt the now too familiar burn, as I looked at mysterious messages on my phone, reflecting the desperation and hopelessness of friends, trying to understand what I needed and some, silently exiting my chaotic life.
Though I didn't know it at the time, that day was the beginning of the real and lasting recovery I have today. It was not marked by a proclamation that I would never restrict my calorie intake or drink alcohol in order to cope with the mess I had made of my life ever again. There were no declarations to my friends and family that that day was the day I would start to pay attention to my therapist, who had been recommending AA and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to me (both I had only thus far given a passing glance).
It was just the first day that I didn't drink or restrict/over exercise/ purge. It was also the first day that I got honest with myself and looked at my life and how I had lost some of the relationships I treasured most, and knew that I needed more than just "forgiveness", but that I couldn't passively let time go without rigorous effort and enlisting the help of others who recovered before me.
I started to get serious about AA.
I listened to the "Promises" and heard how if I did the work that was laid out for me, I could lose the feeling of uselessness and self-pity, how I could know peace and leave self-seeking behind, how I could lose my fear of people, etc. and know intuitively how to handle situations that used to baffle me.
This is what I wanted so desperately.
I got a sponsor and got serious about working through the steps.
The AA program is humbling and challenging and frustrating at times.
The brilliance of the program is in its design, which offers balance for these things that are common threads for those of us abusing substances (and likewise, using anorexic behaviors) by exposing newcomers to "long timers", who speak our familiar language of fear and insecurity and pain, but who now live their lives out with principle, as in the Promises, and speak of their faith, hope and strength as a result of working the steps.
It's a club I never knew I wanted to belong to. It's a club of acceptance in that, no matter how many times you fall, if you keep "coming back" its members will keep loving you and cheering you on and showing you the way. These are my people. I was home.
One of the reasons that AA has taken such a strong-hold in my life, is my desire to address some of the wrongs that I regret and that have caused resentments in my life towards people I care about. AA has helped me to understand that these resentments I hold are caused in large part, by my own character flaws, and that unless I examine them fully and honestly, I will be doomed to continue to act in the same self-destructive patterns that trigger new resentments until I am alone with my disease, who wants just that.
This requires a written, multi-step self-inventory of resentments (people, places and things) along with a list of those whom we have harmed. When I first started this process, I was ecstatic at the prospect of writing down exactly how all of the people, places and things in my life had let me down, and caused me resentments. My list was long and I wrote furiously, of all of the reasons I deserved to restrict calories, over exercise and abuse alcohol.
My sponsor soon explained, that I was then to write, in another series of steps, what I had done (WTF!?) to cause each resentment.
It took the better part of the year before I was done.
Resentments, I am told, are "re-feelings" of unresolved issues.
Once one has completed a self-examination of character flaws which lead to resentments, AA encourages us, with a thoughtful approach, to make amends to those we have harmed.
I reached out to my ex-husband first, unsure whether he would be willing to afford me an opportunity to make amends, after some pretty half-assed (drunken) attempts I had made before (with the goal to assuage my own guilt, rather than take honest responsibility for what I had done to cause him harm).
I was careful to explain that there was no required action on his part. That the goal of "amends" was not for him to forgive me, as that puts all of the onus upon him to do something, but rather to admit to him, the harms I had caused him and to express to him what my intentions are, moving forward in recovery, to make amends, when possible, for the harm I caused him.
He agreed to meet with me.
When my stomach became sick with worry and anxiety over the possible outcomes of this meeting, my sponsor lovingly reminded me to "...get down from the cross, Doreen! Jesus needs the wood" and that this meeting was not about me, but my ex-husband to have a chance for healing, in hearing me admit to the things I did to him.
Not being in control of the outcome, is a lesson from DBT and AA that has allowed me to do many things in recovery, that I wouldn't have had the courage to do before understanding that I don't have that kind of power or control over others. Nor does the want for it, lead me to peace.
So I took my list of harms, and I met my ex-husband in the Mall food-court, because it was pouring out that day, and I plowed through them, not once wanting to soften the words or hide the really ugly things I had done from him.
I was determined to honor both my ex-husband's willingness to hear my amends, and the process itself, by forcing myself not to hide the shameful parts (he knew them anyway) so that I could possibly take a step towards the promises of leaving self-pity behind, and honestly account for my responsibility in causing harm.
I did some pretty ugly things. I said some really ugly things, both to my ex-husband and to others about him. I said them in private and I wrote some ugly things in this blog about him as well. I even said some ugly things to our children about my ex-husband. I even told ugly un-truths about him, to gain a posse of support and sympathy.
I told him all of them.
The process includes some time for the person you are making amends to, to share anything you might have missed or glossed over.
I listened carefully to what he had to say.
I learned how my actions were harmful not only to my ex-husband, our mutual friends, our girls, but how they also impacted his wife.
Part of the process includes bringing ideas for how to make amends for the wrongs, after one has admitted them all honestly. It also includes a chance for the person one is making amends to, to have input about what they believe would be helpful to their own healing (from the harms caused by me).
In addition to my own stated and determined commitment to him, going forward, to live out my amends of speaking only kindly to him and of him to others, especially our daughters, It was my ex-husband's suggestion, that since I had spoken badly of him publicly, that I also publicly admit and own up to the harms I had caused by my actions.
He was honest with me, that the damage done was so deep, that even if I decided to take his suggestion, it really wouldn't change the state of our relationship.
My initial honest, internal reaction was to never say a word to anyone (especially my sponsor) about this part of the amends. It would be too humiliating...too shameful, and since there would be no benefit to our relationship, why would I expose myself in this way?
My immediate second response, upon walking to my car, was to remember that AA only requires a willingness to consider making amends to those we have harmed. I figured I could just stop here.
My sponsor put it another way, reminding me that I had the wrong perspective of this request by my ex-husband.
It isn't about me.
It is about making an honest amends to someone I had harmed.
I spent more time talking about it in meetings and discussing the possibility with my sponsor some more, and understand now that the benefits to him, of my public admissions of the harms I caused him, are little consolation to the years of bad behavior on my part, but that what he offered me (because with a clear conscience I can see his kind heart) is a way to peace.
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