I remember wondering how I would even know if I was truly recovering from Anorexia, when I couldn't even distinguish between my own voice and Olivia's. For so very long, they were one and the same (as far as I could tell).
Having been Anorexia-behavior-free now for almost 7 consecutive months and completely alcohol free for a little more than 5 months (that one took a few more lessons for me to be convinced that drinking had become an ED behavior too), I am gaining a solid confidence in my ability to discern what Olivia wants for me (relapse) and what I want for me (a fully-recovered life).
Committing to the idea of recovery from Anorexia was complicated, exhausting and sometimes, if I am honest, scarier than staying sick. It required, all at once, standing on my own two feet, trusting a process that I couldn't fully (yet) trust, and focusing a driven and purposeful attention with precision on only one thing (me).
Maintaining a state of recovery is a little less complex, but no less exhausting, and at times, scary. Maintenance is as simple as being able to first identify, and then choosing pro-recovery behavior over pro-relapse behavior, over and over again until one day, someone tells me that I no longer have Anorexia.
I know that day will come.
I am sure that there is a more scientific reason (a fully-nourished body, new coping skills to replace over-exercising, drinking and restricting,) for this strengthened ability to remain in recovery, but it honestly feels like things just finally "clicked".
Cliche? Maybe... but I can't really attribute it to just one thing I have done. Rather, it is a series of deliberate decisions, each day, driven by the conviction that I am worth a full life.
Now, let's be clear. I don't have a new understanding of what recovery behaviors or relapse behaviors are.
I have a new understanding that allowing even just one relapse behavior, at this stage in recovery, invites Olivia (who has been doing push ups out on my sidewalk without me, getting stronger just in case I give in) to come back inside and unpack her suitcase once again.
I have a new understanding that self-love and confidence drive recovery.
I have a new understanding that the more I love the person I am, the more I choose recovery behavior, and the more I choose recovery behavior, the more I love the person I am...
All of the Red Flags for Relapse I posted back in 2015 were true. However, they were only the things I was willing to share and by no means, an exhaustive list. When I re-read that post, I am aware of my intention to protect the small tattered corners of my security blanket of Anorexia, in case I wasn't fully committed to recovery.
As it turned out. I wasn't.
There was something in Anorexia at that time that I wasn't ready to give up completely.
Notice that the behaviors for relapse below, have nothing to do with food. They are the easiest to hide.
Relapse behavior includes secrecy, half-truths and lies.
Recovery involves trusting others with where I truly am, even if it means disappointing them or losing them altogether.
Relapse behavior includes allowing thoughts whispered by Olivia, to become facts that control my emotions.
Recovery involves checking the facts when it isn't immediately obvious to my newly-recovering brain if something is true, by trusting only what I can observe.
Relapse behavior demands that I do everything perfectly. The first time. And that when I don't, to assume that I am not capable or worthy of love.
Recovery involves understanding that everything is as it should be, given the events that came before it. That I am not required to be perfect to be worthy of love.
Relapse behavior includes believing that I have to control the universe. And that when things go wrong, it is entirely my fault.
Recovery includes an acceptance that there are things I can and cannot control, and that with a God I can do business with, I can ask for guidance regarding His will for me, rather than for the outcome I desire.
Relapse behavior requires that I allow myself to become too tired or hungry or emotional to make healthy decisions when faced with distress.
Recovery involves self-love.
It's a love story starring me, loving myself enough to care for my own needs no matter what life throws at me, so I can be the best "me" I can be, even (especially) in the face of distress.
