At first, a day in the life of recovery was almost worse than A Day in the Life of Anorexia . I know that sounds strange, but my (Eating Disorder) brain was constantly over-riding my own brain when trying to navigate even the daily minutia of life, to the point that I no longer could discern my own "real" thoughts from my eating disorder brain's thoughts.
Early recovery incited Olivia's relentless negative commentary in my head more loudly and viciously than when I acquiesced back into my illness.
In order to even remotely begin to embrace recovery, I had to trust what my therapist/loved ones were telling me, in spite of what my eating disorder brain was trying to convince me of.
It's like looking at a car that to me (when I was sick) was decidedly and undeniably painted red. It was the shiniest and most brilliant, deep red I had ever taken in with my eyes. Yet, my therapist/family were telling me that it was most assuredly green.
Even though my eyes saw that the car was red, I had to believe that what my therapist and family were telling me was the truth.
"Green, you say?? But.... I see a shiny, deep red."
"Green", they would say, "Most assuredly and certainly, green".
It was with that same leap of faith, that I started to begin trusting my therapist when she told me I needed to start a program called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).
As soon as she mentioned it (for the fifth or sixth time) my eating disorder brain railed against it.
"You don't have time for that! It is 1.5 hours each week, at night, all the way in Falmouth....for six months! Just keep doing what I tell you and you will feel better again. Restrict, exercise excessively, shut everyone out and we will be safe!"
"Green, you say?"
DBT, in part, saved my life and catapulted my recovery to a place I never thought reachable. Taught by a saint with grey hair and a sailor's mouth, Olivia didn't stand a chance.
"Dialectics" is the idea that two truths can simultaneously exist at the same time. Not rocket-science for most, but for many of us with Anorexia, part of the re-wiring of our brains included the idea that not everything is black or white. Primarily, and most important for me, was the idea that both acceptance and change could live in the same house.
"I am perfect just the way I am. And I need to change"
Extreme thinking is a hallmark of Anorexia.
DBT is a treatment modality which focuses on 4 important skills:
- Mindfulness: the practice of being fully aware and present in this one moment
- Distress Tolerance: how to tolerate pain in difficult situations, not change it
- Interpersonal Effectiveness: how to ask for what you want and say no while maintaining self-respect and relationships with others
- Emotion Regulation: how to change emotions that you want to change
Each skill required training and practice for six weeks before one could fully absorb it. And, because I came into the course during a time of great distress, I took the first part over a second time at the end, to be certain that I got what I might have missed in early recovery.
What this course did for me, that therapy alone never could, was replace the Anorexic coping behaviors I was being asked to give up with healthy, productive alternatives.
The importance of this piece to my treatment cannot be overstated. I had to learn how to re-wire my brain so I could override the negative, unhealthy eating disorder thoughts that kept me sick for so long. Simply giving up restricting (Just eat!) or limiting my exercise was a way to let my body heal from the years of starvation and physical punishment I put it through, but without anything to replace these coping mechanisms with, I continued to relapse over and over again.
Another suggestion that my therapist made (many times) was to consider abstaining from alcohol and perhaps even attend the support of Alcoholics Anonymous.
"That car is decidedly red", I said.
"No", my therapist said, "It is most certainly green".
"Green, you say?"
So, in fits and starts, I began attending AA no fewer than 4 nights per week all summer long, and sometimes more.
It was in the supportive and understanding rooms of AA that I believe my recovery finds even greater protection from future relapse.
I did nothing the first few months of attending but cry.
It didn't seem to matter to the other people in the room. They just kept bringing me tea and kleenex and suggested that I "keep coming back".
Each meeting, I found a chair in the back, listened intently to what people were sharing about their lives, their "alcoholic brains" (which are first cousins to my anorexic brain) and how without the fellowship and step work of the group, they would never have been able to slay the demons which brought them to their addictions.
I slowly surrendered to the idea that this was the place I might finally lay waste to Olivia's presence in my life.
I did what they told me to. I got a sponsor (then Olivia fired her). Got another one (and Olivia fired her too), until I could find someone I could work with, and who Olivia couldn't fuck with.
I'm working through the steps. Never in a million years would I have understood the power in those steps until I met my sponsor who my God put in my path, because she takes no bullshit from Olivia.
There are 12 of them. I am on number four.
The first two involved me getting over myself and understanding my powerlessness (resulting in my giving my "newcomer" chip back three times).
The third step involved me finding a Higher Power I Can Do Business With. No apologies here.
The fourth step, is the beginning of the end for Olivia. It's called a "Personal Inventory" and I am working on it now.
This step involves listing all (I mean all!) people, places, things and ideals that I have resentments about. Then we spend a lot (I mean a lot!) of time dissecting each resentment for my character defaults which contributed to them.
So far, I have filled two complete notebooks with the writing this step requires. It is all at once, frightening, humbling, liberating and healing in a way that has turned my path back toward a peace and normality in my life that I have been longing for since succumbing to Anorexia.
This step alone could already have eaten my lunch (bad... all the way around.... I know!) if I didn't have the DBT skills in place, the genuine support of the fellowship of AA, my sponsor and my therapist surrounding me as I walk through it.
I am not finished with it yet. I am not even sure what else comes next. But the fruits are starting to emerge in the form of 9 months of TOTAL anorexia-free behavior, 6 months of complete abstinence from alcohol (that one took a little more convincing...), confidence in my ability to defend and advance my recovery against Olivia, a strong, healthy body, and the hope in a process that will reveal, repair and release the demons which threaten relapse.
There are 8 more to go and I have promised myself to see it through to the end because Olivia has a difficult time fighting against facts, confidence and healing.
Oh hey look, a car!
