Exactly one year ago today, I woke up in the ICU after failing miserably to tolerate the loss of my (then) partner. It was the 4th (and final) time I swallowed enough of my prescription medication, along with copious amounts of alcohol, because I wanted someone else to take over for me for awhile. I didn't want to die, as I have stated before, I simply wanted to make the pain stop.
I missed my daughter's first High School prom.
I spent Mothers' Day (and the next five days) in ICU
One year ago today, I decided that no matter what happened in my life, I would never, ever, ever be so selfish and risk my life again, in an effort to nullify the pain I thought so unbearable. That I would be here to be the best mother I could be, as I have always been.
One year ago today, I decided to re-enter Mercy's partial hospitalization program for Eating Disorders for a second time, because I was at the lowest weight I had ever been as an adult (and I dipped even lower prior to being admitted to the hospital).
One year ago today, I made changes to my life that even those closest to me wouldn't trust (and some still do not) until this time, one year hence.
One year ago today, I made a commitment to reach the "midpoint" weight my nutritionist demanded in order for me to be considered a "healthy weight" and not to ever dip below it again (and I have KEPT that commitment!)
One year ago today, I started to take my recovery seriously, for the first time. (Though not without relapses).
Today, my life resembles my life of one year ago in some ways.
Ken has stepped aside from our relationship a second and final time, leaving me to fight this without his support, having given all he had to the process.
I am waking up daily with the sorrow of the loss of the man I thought I was going to marry, due to my failings a second time, feeding the demons who assure me I am not enough.
I am the sole, present parent of my daughters.
But today, my life is very different than it was one year ago. In ways I never dreamed possible when I was staring out the ICU room window, trying to figure out how I was ever going to be normal again.
I have maintained my midpoint (or higher) weight since being discharged from Mercy the second time (something I have NOT been able to do in over five years) in spite of some recent relapse issues.
I love, love, love my job.
I have decided to abstain from alcohol with the support of treatment and will attend a full evaluation this Wednesday, and I am committed to taking whatever steps are recommended to close this final loop that leaves the door open for Anorexia to remain a part of my life.
I attend AA meetings a minimum of 3 nights per week. In my own community, clients or acquaintances in attendance or not. We are all human beings. We are all there for the same reason. Vulnerability is a part of my healing process. I needed to suck it up.
I am working through the pain of the loss of Ken without trying to numb it away, without making this painful situation worse, and by taking deliberate steps to mitigate the painful encounters/communications that threaten my recovery.
I am committed to weekly meetings with my Eating Disorder therapist and make getting there each week a priority over everything else in my life.
I am enrolled in a 6 month, weekly group for Dialectical Behavior Therapy (which I LOVE because it replaces all of the coping mechanisms I have had to give up in order to be rid one day of Anorexia and alcohol abuse).
Because I am nourishing my body the best I can, without excessive exercise and restrictive behaviors that get me into a dangerous thinking state, I am able to cope with the distress that once threatened my life.
By no means is this an "anniversary" for celebrating. There are many things in this past year that went very, very wrong. One thing I am learning is to be as gentle with myself as I would be with a friend in my same situation. (Olivia hates that, which strengthens my resolve to keep at it).
I have come a long way in a year. I dare to call myself strong now. I have a long way to go in this coming year with many hard lessons and reflections to explore.
This year, I am focused on authenticity. Vulnerability. Doreenability (yeah... I made that one up).
One day at a time. Keep watching.
And please, don't give up on me.
