Just Keep Swimming.... (Part III in a Series)

"Very slowly and carefully, you let go of the log and practice floating. When you start to sink, you grab back on. Then you let go of the log and practice treading water, and when you get tired, hold on once again. After awhile, you practice swimming around the log once, twice, ten times, twenty times, a hundred times, until you gain the strength and confidence you need to swim to shore. Only then do you completely let go of the log."-From Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnson

This is the third in a three-part series of "A Day in the Life".  You can read Part I, which depicts a day in the life when my Eating Disorder was at its worst HERE  and Part II as things got better and when I was admitted to  Mercy Hospital's New England Eating Disorders Program for the second time in 7 months HERE.

In this last part, I wish to illustrate what a day in my life is like now, 9 months into my recovery journey, which included 2 ICU hospitalizations and 2 additional  Emergency room visits.

Recovery isn't a place.  It isn't a destination where I will arrive, unpack my bags and announce, "I'm here!".

Or, maybe it will be.

That's the trouble with recovery.  It is difficult to define and therefore quantify as each of our experiences, while etiologically similar, have varying manifestations of behavioral idiosyncrasies.

Recovery is messy.  It isn't linear or predictable.

There isn't a specific medical definition or even a "recipe for success" that professionals agree upon except interrupting the starvation cycle, stabilizing medical issues, and normalizing eating.  That is precisely what (most) treatment programs do, period.

It is the focus of treatment because it is medically proven that recovery cannot happen until nutrition (and therefore, proper brain functioning) is restored.

And that is where most insurance companies declare an Anorexia patient, "cured" (and where they stop paying for treatment).

If you have had an eating disorder or care about someone who does, you know that discharge from the treatment facility is where recovery actually begins.

So, we get discharged to do the long and difficult work of recovery, with very little professional support, back into the environments where our eating disorders thrived.  And if you do not have a strong support system, who understands the nature of and warning signs for relapse (this is most of us, because our support people are almost universally left out of the treatment process) its little wonder that the statistics for full recovery are so grim.

Anorexia is a disease.  People with diseases are not told things like,  "find the motivation to heal"  or, "choose recovery over your illness".  Imagine if that was our new course of treatment for people diagnosed with Diabetes instead of insulin and medical monitoring.

Remember, it wasn't that long ago that the Medical Community espoused that the cause of Autism was "Refrigerator Mothers".

Now you see maybe why it is true that people diagnosed with Anorexia have the  highest mortality rates of any psychological disorder, due in part to medical complications such as brain shrinkage and heart attacks.  

But there is something even more sinister at play.

Studies cited by the American Association of Suicidology (Holm-Denoma et al, 2008; Kaye, 2008; Keel et al., 2003) indicate that the suicide mortality rate of people with anorexia is one of the highest of all psychiatric illnesses including Depression.   It was noted in this same series of studies that people with Anorexia who are at the point of attempting suicide are not simply crying out for help.  They use the most lethal methods to seal the deal.

They jump in front of moving trains.

They injest toxic chemicals (and large amounts of prescription medications).

They just want the noise to stop.

All of that said, (and this may sound contradictory) there is an important component of recovery that is up to the individual.

Dr. Sarah Ravin calls it, "Insight".  

She puts forth that when one has the physical components of recovery in place (weight restoration and medical stability), it is then the work of the individual to recognize and subscribe to the factors that will keep recovery moving forward, and eventually, make it a reality:

1.) Acknowledging and accepting that you have (or had) an eating disorder, which is a biologically-based brain illness that you did not choose to have and your parents (or partners ) did not cause

2.) Acknowledging and accepting the possibility of relapse

3.) Ability to recognize eating disordered thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in yourself

4.) Understanding the necessity of maintaining full nutrition, every day, for life

5.) Accepting the necessity of maintaining your ideal body weight in order to reduce the risk of relapse

These are my five commandments.  I live by them because I know that in order to continue enjoying a life free of Olivia's nonsense, I have to move away from the log (Olivia)...swim out further each day...until I can let go of it completely, and swim to shore (life).  

Let me share with you then.  A day in MY life of recovery: (Beginning with last night, July 7, 2015)

8:30PM~ Sit down to a delicious dinner made by my oldest daughter, along with my youngest daughter and one of her friends.  (Sweet potato "Nachos" made with Sweets and Beets chips, chicken sautéed in Siracha and BBQ Sauce, peppers and onions, covered with cheese and baked in the oven with a side of home-made guacamole.  I had seconds.  We laughed genuine laughter, enjoyed each others' company and I did not notice any thoughts of restricting or purging.

9:00PM-11:00PM~ Get out the checkbook I have been needing to balance because my computer crashed last week with all of my savings data wiped out.  Gone.  

Oh, and right before that happened, all the cash I had left in my wallet for groceries and gas was stolen while I was at work.

If you know me, you know what kind of stress this causes a perfectionist, meticulous budgeter, who is living on the tightest budget I ever have.  

Olivia would usually convince me in this situation, that tonight is not a good night to attempt this because of the stress caused by the computer crash and the theft.  "You deserve some wine... you have been abstaining for weeks now.  Go ahead and have some so you can sleep tonight.  Hanford is open until 10PM now"

Tonight though, I notice that she is still quiet.  

I work through the bills and the budget, $42 short of what I needed to cover, due to my recent hospitalizations and lack of income during that time. 

Olivia is still quiet.  

Or, I can't hear her.  

Or maybe I choose not to hear her.

Louder than Olivia is my determination to get through this rough financial patch without loans or having to dip too much into my savings.  And free of eating-disorder coping behaviors.

Louder than Olivia is my commitment to being the best mother I can be to my girls, who are sitting close by, trusting my ability to take care of them.  

And because I have eaten enough calories to both sustain my weight in a healthy range and for brain function, I am able to handle these small stresses that each alone, would have tipped me over at my sickest.  

11:30PM~Get into bed and work a crossword puzzle to help clear my head of distracting thoughts and worries of my future, to keep me grounded in the present, so I can sleep easily.

11:45-4:45AM~Sleep soundly, only to be awakened by my intentionally-set alarm, to meet my running partners for the first time since last Friday, to do a cardio run.  

No push-ups.  

Eat a banana while I am waiting (with coffee of course....I'm not perfect!)

Check my phone and in spite of some occasional sadness that it reminds me of in the morning, place it down and lace up my shoes to wait, wondering how late my friend will be this morning (Hi Erin!)

                                               <A Short Moment to Celebrate a Small Victory>
Today is now Wednesday, July 8th.  It is a special day in my recovery journey.  It marks the longest time  since I began recovery in November, that I have gone without both an incident requiring medical intervention and COMPLETELY FREE of all eating disorder behaviors, including abstaining from alcohol.  

 You see, after my first round of hospitalization at Mercy, I didn't understand that I needed to, nor did I want to (subconsciously) let go of ALL of the disease.  I was still coping. I wasn't recovering.  

I needed Olivia.

I wanted to keep exercising and did so without asking anyone's thoughts or opinions about it.  I got a job that has many possible triggers that I had to face on a daily basis, without asking anyone's thoughts or opinions about it.  I slowly re-introduced alcohol back into my life, even though my body weight was going down and I knew I was restricting.  I left the loop-holes open that gave Olivia just enough of a foot-hold to take me down...again...and again... and again... until I finally hit a bottom that was lower than I ever dreamed I was capable of.

This time, I have closed the loop holes.  I hardly make a move without confiding with my therapist and/or friends who know me and have been with me through all of the ugliness this disease has caused in my life.  Some of them took the brunt of it.  And they are still here, walking beside me.   Now I reach out to them and not Olivia.  She can't help me.  

So, the reason why today is significant and that it is possible, is because I have the most number of solid days of true and actual healing of my body/mind/soul than I have ever managed since beginning treatment.  And THAT is what makes it possible to wake up tomorrow, in spite of the trials I have had over these last few months, and choose recovery again.  

I swim further from the log each day...

                                                     <gratuitous back-patting over now>

6:30AM~ Return home from our run, make a recovery shake with a powder containing 500 calories all by itself, that I add almond milk, frozen berries and a banana to, and drink it while I get ready for work.  This replaces the calories I burned in our run.  The point is for me NOT to exercise to lose weight, but to have fun and be strong.  

Olivia wants me to skip it.  She berates me for even adding to it.  

My healthy self remembers how good it feels to work out the next day when I have had enough calories to avoid Negative Energy Balance.  I drink it and imagine the cells in my body, which I have deprived for so long, repairing and getting stronger.  Rewarding me with strength, and endurance, and my dignity re-emerging. 

7:30AM~ Because I have to be in court, I eat breakfast at home so there is no excuse to mess with the timing or skip it all together, blaming it on the court schedule.  (Two poached eggs over two slices of Canadian Bacon, on top of an english muffin, topped with melted cheese and a fresh fruit cup with strawberries, blueberries and cantaloupe on the side).  

9:30AM~(So far, Olivia is fairly quiet... but I  know that she has been turning up the heat over the past few days because of the significance of today to me.   I expect her to get loud at some point today.)  

I eat my mid-morning snack at my desk because court is over.  (white chocolate macadamia nut Cliff Bar and another banana).

11:30AM~

Enter Olivia

I planned to go to the cafe across the street to get a sandwich (major fear food!) because I didn't have anything at home that appealed to me this morning to pack for lunch.  While backing out of my parking space, I heard that sound every auto insurance agent dreams of.  

My car is the Element with the fender folded
over.

Of all of the things over the past couple of weeks that could have upset me to the point of that familiar panic attack where I find it difficult to breathe and then cry with emotion, a fender-bender with Willy Nelson (my car's name....don't ask...) brings it on.  Usually, when that feeling would come over me, I would want to make it stop.  As soon as possible.  

Olivia didn't disappoint.  

"Skip lunch.  You will feel better, it will stop this terrible anxiety about the bills you are going to have to pay.  You will be able to think better and feel less stressed about this if you just skip lunch."

Sitting at my desk, breathing like I learned how to and that is becoming my first reaction to stress now as I get more traction in the process, I  shout (out loud), "shut the FUCK up!".  

(It's a good thing I was working alone today).

I kept breathing.  I stayed present and I waited as the anxiety first climbed to its crescendo, then felt the newly-familiar release of its grip on me, as I continued to breathe, and it faded as quickly as it came.  

I went back outside, talked with the owner of the vehicle I hit, and we sorted it out amicably.  

When we were finished, I went back inside my office to take a moment to try and understand what triggered the flood of emotion over vehicle damage, of all things.  What I realized, was the sadness stemmed from the grief of not having my partner anymore to call for support in that moment.  To lean on and ultimately, give me advice or take over the problem for me.

I acknowledged the thought without judgement, and let it pass for what it was.  

Then, I used another skill learned in treatment which is essentially an antidote thought.  Replace the thought that caused me grief with a thought that is closely opposite.

So, I thought to myself,  "I am alone now because I am healing and it is necessary to my process.  Because I was alone today, I handled this situation without self-destructive actions or letting someone else fix things for me.  I am capable.  I am lovable.  And I when I am whole again, I won't always be alone. " 

It probably sounds hoakey to those of you who do this with ease.  It would have to me 6 years ago.  But this process allows me to slow down each process.  Look at what is REALLY happening and prevent Olivia from using stressful situations to entice me back into her grip.  Further, when I can expand a negative thought and sort out what is truly underneath it, It allows me to change how I feel about a situation.  

That's right.  Thoughts are not facts.  But they do cause feelings.  If the thoughts are faulty, the feelings are too.  This tiny nugget of realization just might save my life.  

I can change my thoughts.  I can change how I feel.  

You all probably knew that.  Somewhere along the line, I missed that (along with a sense of direction, but I digress...)

12:30PM~ I employ a little Yankee Ingenuity and get on with my lunch excursion.

1:00PM~ Eat lunch at my desk.  

Turkey, avocado, tomato, lettuce and mayo (yep!) on ciabatta bread with a side of German Potato Salad and (REAL, not diet) lemonade.  

Healthy Self - 5, Olivia-zero.

1:30-3:30PM~  It is quiet in my office so I sit at my desk and work on a project that I often put off because it is tedious.  (Data entry from Hotline calls).  I notice during this time, my ability to focus on the task.  To be present in what I am doing.  I don't hear Olivia's voice, I am not starving or counting the calories I've eaten today.  I enter the names and the numbers and demographic information of each victim I worked with in the month of June, this time, remembering each of them and their stories.

This makes me smile.  I notice that I am feeling real joy.  I acknowledge it and stay present with it, because it is important not to let it pass by without notice.  Because it's beautiful.

3:30PM~ Midday Snacktime. 

 Peppermint Luna bar and fresh cherries

3:30PM-5:30PM~  I finish my data entry and drive home, calling my mother as I often do on the way, telling her of my triumphs of the day.  She has become my biggest cheerleader.  My solid-as-a-rock support.  I feel proud to tell her of my successes today because she knows of the dark place I was not too far back in the rear view mirror.

5:30PM-9:00PM~ Spend some time at the park, in the sun with my blanket and a book then get home in time to see both girls before they leave me for the evening.  

Olivia doesn't miss a chance to try one last time.

"Everyone is gone for the night. You are alone until morning.  You deserve some wine.  C'mon, you should celebrate.  You deserve it! Nothing bad is going to happen.  Just one night, no one will know if you skip dinner and have wine instead.  I promise I won't bug you to do it again tomorrow.  You can go right back to recovery tomorrow."

I made my dinner, (shredded chicken I cooked in the crockpot all day, mixed with mayo and curry/cumin, mixed with pumpkin seeds and raisins spread on toasted multigrain bread.  I also had guacamole and carrots and some weird popcorn crackers my mother sent home with me (Thanks, Mom!)

Then I sat down to write this entry.  

And celebrated the small accomplishment of the past few months with a dish of Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Core.  Which is a gift from Heaven.

In the words of a very dear friend, tomorrow I have to get up and "...just keep swimming..." (for the shore.  For my life).

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.