I'm a "Crack" Addict

CAUTION:  Nerdy, scientific blog post follows...

I'll try and weave in the word boobies though, to keep you interested.

My "crack" is Negative Energy Balance (expending more energy (calories) than you take in).
For me, and for most people who are afflicted with the disease of Anorexia Nervosa (AN), the scientific, biological state of Negative Energy Balance is anxiolytic (anxiety-calming) rather than unsettling or uncomfortable like it is for people who are not pre-disposed to Anorexia.   Going on a diet will often trigger this biological state, causing irritability, hunger, and anxiety for most people (our body's natural response to consuming too few calories).  It prompts one who is not prone to Anorexia to go "off" the diet and begin eating enough calories again to avoid the discomfort.  We've all been there (including me, before the onset of AN).

Negative Energy Balance is primarily the biological explanation for why the disease led me to restrict calories, to purge any small amount of food intake (bingeing is not my issue, but I have Anorexia-Purging Type and would purge even small amounts of food eaten)  and to excessively exercise, ever-pursuing this calming state which numbs pain (and joy) like nothing else ever did in my life.  It's a vicious cycle because the more one restricts/purges/excessively exercises, the more our body begins to release cortisol,  causing more stress, inciting the Anorexic mind to restrict/purge/excessively exercise more to reach the anxiolytic effects.   Please, if you read no further, understand that this is why Anorexia is not  a choice or a life-style or solely a quest for the ultimate vanity.  It is a biological trap.

On the first day of my first go-around in treatment at Mercy,  I had to fill out a questionnaire which calculated the number of times (on average) that I "purged" (defined as vomiting after eating,  excessively exercising to compensate for food intake,  abuse of laxatives, and restricting food intake).  My score was 29 times per week (on average).  Hey, it was a test... if you know me, you know I like to get the highest score possible!  In all seriousness, this is precisely why for me to stay in recovery, it's all about the food.

Today, I am proud to report, marks the longest period of time that the number has been ZERO.ZILCH.NADA  (51 days), and as a result, I am at my target weight which quite literally, insulates me against falling into the trap set by a Negative Energy Balance.  (The number is the same for days abstaining from alcohol, because I made the personal decision to continue this mandatory condition while in treatment at Mercy as I recover. )

Last Day of Partial Hospitalization at Mercy
(during my second stay)
Here I had gained 7 pounds back already

This was taken last week
just a pound  or two from my goal weight :)

In order for me to maintain the health that is in its new and fragile state, one of the fundamental elements of my personal recovery (as I discovered one time   two times  ten times finally figured out) is that I can never, ever again, dance anywhere near a negative energy balance. It is like crack to an addict.  It happens by not only skipping a meal or a snack, or over-exercising, but even by messing with the timing of my meals (going longer than 2-3 hours between meals and snacks).  I can't yet just fly by the seat of my (bigger now) pants and eat "intuitively" like most people.  I need to stay on a prescribed, structured schedule for eating until it no longer is dangerous for me to be more flexible.  This is one of the major reasons I have relapsed in the past.  I start to think that I can do it "my way".  Until this time around, I was not willing to take this part seriously.  What I know now, is that it is a matter of life or death for me.  One whiff of that calm and relaxed state that effectively quiets the noise in my head and the anxiety I feel in decided and familiar situations that can tip me over, and I am like the Walking Dead without rational thought, programmed to chase the elixir for their souls.

Is Olivia still in there?  Oh yes! Now, when I am stressed or anxious though, I use coping skills I have learned in treatment and in reading as much as I can about Anorexia.  I breathe, I walk (slowly) and I have mantras I use when faced with a struggle to eat ("why does this matter?" and "what am I afraid of"?).  The more I use healthy coping skills, the more I develop new thinking patterns in my brain that override the old, self-destructive ones.  The more I start to recognize my own strength and develop a confidence a few months ago, I could only dream of.  Today, I have a new mantra too, "why would I ever go back?"

Oh, and you should see my boobies now!