I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours!

What? you were expecting something else??

In treatment, I learned that my body needs at least 1300 calories each day just to lay in bed all day long and lift nothing heavier than the remote control.  For my more scientific readers, this is called our Basal Metabolic Rate or BMR.  It is the minimum amount of caloric intake needed just for basic biological functioning such as breathing, blood flow, brain and nerve support, (you know, nothing really important) in a 24 hour period.  It is a formula based on factors such as weight, height, age, etc.  If you are interested in calculating your own BMR, you can calculate it here.

When I was active in my eating disorder, I didn't even come close to 1300 calories per 24 hour period. In addition, because I also exercised compulsively and to the extreme, I would easily burn through the calories I did eat (If I didn't purge them before my body had a chance to absorb them).   Often, I wouldn't even take in 1300 calories stretched over a 48 hour period.  Little wonder that my blood pressure plummeted, and as I was bragging to my paramedic friend (Hi Ken!) about how low my pulse rate was (before I told him that I had an eating disorder) he said, "we give IV fluids to people with rates that low".  

One of Costin's 8 Keys to Recovery relates to the notion that "It's all about the food".  Essentially, most anorexics (myself included) have rigid rules that get more and more restrictive as the disease progresses, including a list of "fear foods" or "bad foods" never to grace our lips.  My rules included such insightful wisdom such as:
~Never eat before exercise (I am a morning exerciser)
~Wait as long as possible to eat after exercise (sometimes 3 or 4 pm)
~Exercise every day (often twice a day) through injury and illness, because I have to burn any  calories I was so weak to eat
~Any food eaten before coming home from work must be purged (so I can "eat" dinner in front of my daughters and they would think I was perfectly normal...only to purge it when they left the table for a shower or to go to their rooms after dinner).
~No fat (EVER)
~No flour, sugar or simple carbohydrates
~Count every calorie (obsessively...over and over and over...in case you missed one) to make sure that the number never, ever exceeded 800 for the day.  Always rounding up just in case..... (I didn't subtract for what I purged either by compensatory exercise or actual purging).

There are a lot of reasons why I was able to adhere to such rigidity.  That is a post for another day.  Today, it's all about the food! 

Often people ask me, "what can I do to support your recovery?".  It's a question I used to reply with, "nothing...I'm good".  I wasn't.  Clearly as you can see above.    You see, even in my strong and determined pursuit of recovery, I can get caught up sometimes in eating foods that are "safe".  I am eating enough calories to support the weight gain I still need to accomplish but I notice that I gravitate towards foods that feel "safe" to me (and away from more varied and "challenging" foods).  This is not a means to the end of FULL recovery that I am gunning for.  It is a loop-hole that I need to make sure stays closed, tightly.  The photo you see above is exactly that (except that I have replaced fat-free yogurt with full-fat yogurt).  This is what I ate for breakfast today (and so far, every day this week) except for the Kashi bar and cherries, that is my mid-morning snack.  What isn't pictured is the pre-workout smoothie I consumed before a kettle-bell work-out this morning. 

So, I am reaching out and asking for help from all of you who might be reading (Hi Mom!), to  "Show me Yours!" It helps me to see what others, who do not have disordered eating patterns eat for daily meals.  If you have the time, it would be a tremendous boost to my recovery, to see what you ate for breakfast (or lunch or dinner if you are reading this later in the day!)  Post your list to the comments below or to face book.  And if you can include a photo~ even better!

One last thought.  During our monitored breakfast one day at Mercy, the director of the program came into the room and shouted (he's loud) to us, "Hey! What's the most important meal of the day?" to which we all mechanically and dutifully replied, "Breakfast!".  He shook his head and retorted, "NO! The meal in front of you!".  Every meal, every snack counts for me...everyday.