Motivation, Patience, Hope

This photo is my bathroom mirror in my home.  Stuck to my mirror is the first definition of “Recovered” I have ever read.  Beneath it are the 8 Keys to Recovery.  Both are from a book by Carolyn Costin that changed the way I approach recovery, recommended to me by one of my favorite counselors (who is herself, recovered from an eating disorder) from the Mercy Hospital Eating Disorder program.  This book saved my life and I read all of the words  you see each morning before I do anything else.

The definition of recovery card reads:
"Being recovered is when a person can accept his or her natural body size and shape and no longer has a self-destructive relationship with food or exercise. When you are recovered, food and weight take a proper perspective in your life, and what you weigh is not more important than who you are; in fact, actual numbers are of little or no importance at all. When recovered, you will not compromise your health or betray your soul to look a certain way, wear a certain size, or reach a certain number on a scale. When you are recovered you do not use eating disorder behaviors to deal with, distract from, or cope with other problems." 

After having it up on the mirror for a few days, I asked my youngest daughter if it embarrassed her to have it there, in case her friends might see it.  She said, “Mom, leave it there, I think it’s cool”. 

The Keys to recovery are not necessarily to be taken in order, but they are all-important elements to lasting recovery.  The first key, “Motivation, Patience, Hope” is truly the cornerstone to my tenacious determination to have all of the components of “RecoverED” (emphasis intentional) put forth by Costin. 

Motivation :  (without it, recovery has no backbone.  Without my own internal motivation, there is no reason for me to choose recovery every morning when I wake):
~To be the best ME I can be.
~To stand on my own two feet and love the woman I am.
~I am a damned good mom.  I want to be a great mom.
~To be present and ready for the day when I might need to take care of my mom and dad.
~To be the most loving friend to those in my life whom I adore.
~To learn from my past mistakes of choosing eating disorder behavior instead of recovery when it mattered, and to honor those I hurt because of it, with my commitment to recovery.
~To one day be someone a man could love and trust.  To one day trust the love of a man who loves me.

Patience:   (I have the same measure of patience to fill a cup as I have boobies! Just ask my daughters...)
Here is what I have learned about patience:
~Sometimes being patient means shutting my mouth and trusting the process.
~Sometimes being patient means rather than trying to DO something to make the pain stop, I need to do nothing.
~Patience requires me to slow down and stop trying to recover yesterday.  A prolonged process ensures that I get it right.  Far more important than getting it fast.
~Patience requires that I feel what I am feeling rather than impulsively taking action to numb it. ~Patience begets patience and with practice, I am getting pretty damned good at it.
~Patience requires me to stop trying to control everything around me and to accept what is,   without judgement.  Without being attached to the outcome.
~Patience allows me to walk each evening...without an ipod...reflecting on the day and what I did well...what I can do better...and to cry for my pain and losses without self-destructing.  Patience is knowing that sadness and pain are temporary and will pass, if I just ride the wave.
~Patience requires that rather than wishing for those whom I love to trust me again,  I have to simply earn it by living each day, choosing recovery. 

Hope: For the first time in years, I am filled with hope. 
~I hope to be accepted into the Masters of Social Work program this Fall so I can be the best advocate for families’ of loved-ones afflicted with an eating disorder that I can be.
~I am so filled with hope that someone is reading this blog and my words are touching their soul.
~I am hopeful that the journey before me will afford me the wisdom and knowledge to be the agent of change in the lives of those who suffer with Anorexia.
~I am hopeful that once healed,  I will find the one true love of my life.
~ I hope for many more of these in my life:  (They have nothing to do with recovery! They just bring me such joy!)