The opening quote rings true. Especially when there is crisis. So this night, I blog...
I am learning.
When I move away from the basic facets of recovery, minute fissures in my protective, healthy self, (which I have worked so fucking hard to build) give way to cavernous vortexes, beckoning me with the enticing (fallacious) promise of calm...peace...control.
I am learning.
I am impulsive, intolerant of distress and (Olivia is) impudently willing, and always ready to lie to and isolate me from people I dare to love and care about.
I am learning.
I am responsible for letting Olivia take a wrecking ball to my life.
I am responsible for the aforementioned fissures.
I am responsible for convincing myself that I can eat/drink/exercise/ like a "normal" person.
I am responsible, this far into my recovery from Anorexia, for relapse.
I am just starting to learn.
(S o v e r y s l o w l y)
That I still can't do this on my own.
To try and trust that when treasured people offer selflessly to help, that they mean it.
That these same people will not judge me or disappear from my life, for my failings in recovery.
And that I betray those people who have put their trust in me, by the lies I am responsible for telling, to cover up the failings.
I know that the basic measures of my own personal recovery are:
Accountability (this blog...to myself...to those I care about)
Eating three meals and two snacks. Every.Damned.Day.
Exercising only in moderation
Abstaining from alcohol.
Steering clear of "safe" foods/counting calories/scales.
Embracing "fear" foods/intuitive eating/health.
Reaching out to my supports with honesty and vulnerability, before I am already in crisis.
To keep learning how to manage distress without making a bad situation worse.
Fighting the obvious (and not particularly so) handiwork of Olivia. And believing others who see it, long before I do.
Waking up tomorrow, acknowledging and taking responsibility for the previous day's successes and failings, and keep.moving.forward.
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