The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly (Of My Recovery This Week)

I'm going to take some literary privilege and reverse the order.  I doubt Clint will mind.

First, the bad/ugly.

I have allowed some old Anorexic habits to creep back into my life. 

(For added accountability, I will even tell you what they are, not in any particular order)

~Body checking 
~Sticking largely to "safe" foods
~Restricting food intake (purposefully)
~Using alcohol to numb the anxiety of a larger body and for the courage to come clean about it
~Lying to my best friend and partner about it, more than once, when asked point blank
~Giving in to the disease and letting the negative voice win so I could hang on to the parts of Anorexia that I haven't been willing to give up

This is really hard.

Vulnerability is not my cuppa.

However, it is my experience that sharing the journey helps me both to own it and to address it.  For me, vulnerability is accountability.  It is the hardest thing for me to grasp.  Yet most of the time on this journey when I do,  I am propelled further down the road.

So I'll keep trying.


Here's the good. 

I want to share them because Olivia might start to shut the fuck up if I do.

Perhaps I should make this a regular, weekly posting...

~I have reached out to my support person (hi mom) more than I ever have.  Because I need her.
~I told my daughters that I am struggling...but safe.  No more dishonesty with them either.
~I reached out to someone who understands the tendency towards using alcohol in Anorexia recovery and will follow up with whatever assessment/treatment that is recomended.
~I have fought the urge to numb my emotions with most Anorexic behaviors over the past few days as one of my most important relationships is damaged, possibly beyond repair.  Eating is hard.  I am not doing it perfectly, but I am doing it.  Without alcohol too.  That's the good.
~I have turned to the distress tolerance skills from DBT that truly work for me in these times.  Not just a glancing look.  I have carved out specific time for them each day.
~I followed through with a difficult commitment to a friend today that had the potential to raise my anxiety (and called my mom...twice). And it was good.
~I changed my picture on my blog that was me at my lowest weight.  (I was hanging on to that for a reason...and it wasn't healthy).
~I wrote an inventory of what I like about myself (Olivia hates that).  I might even hang it up.
~I am practicing Radical Acceptance for real. 
~I have been able to ride the wave of some painful emotions
~I am posting this most humbling blog.
~ I watched this video again by Brene Brown about vulnerability that my Eating Disorder counselor suggested.   Because I need to welcome vulnerability to my recovery journey, and my life.

 ~And I am here to fight another day.