HELP!!

"Change can be scary. But do you know what is scarier?  Allowing fear to stop you from growing, evolving, and progressing."  -Mandy Hale

That's the quote scribbled on the white board in front of the receptionists' station at the center where I am a walk-in for assessment this morning.

Being here is all at once both terrifying and settling.

Sitting in the chairs, filling out the paperwork, checking little boxes to explain the extent/amount/type of substance(s) I fear might be an issue for me, I can't keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes.
Partly from an earlier, upsetting exchange with Ken, and partly because I am sitting here, in this unfamiliar waiting room,  filling out the same assessment form I have been administering to others in my occupation as a helper:

Do you sometimes drink to alter the way you feel?  YES
Do you sometimes drink more than you intended?  YES
Have you had problems in your life caused by alcohol but you continued to drink anyway? YES
Have you tried to stop drinking but you couldn't? YES

Each time I completed this evaluation with inmates over the past months, I answered along in my head. This morning, for the first time ever, I carefully considered each question, circled the truthful answer (despite Olivia's chiding),  handed them to someone, and asked for help.

The literature regarding co-occurring disorders has just recently been made known to me. It is not uncommon for people recovering from Anorexia Nervosa (and other eating disorders) to also have tendencies for problem-drinking, alcoholism or addiction.

Two disorders...co-occurring.

My grandmother would have called this a double-whammy.

(Because Anorexia on its own doesn't suck enough.)

As a general rule, I try and stay away from cross-posting eye-glazing statistics and facts.  In addition, I am not one to make excuses for my behavior.   

Ever.
 
Not as an excuse, but as a measure of understanding, here are some sobering facts to help keep me accountable  while also beginning the process of forgiving myself for my failings.

These statistics (only a few, I promise) make my journey more clear...my focus sharper. 

And make me feel less alone in this fight. 

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA),

"...women that have either a drug addiction or an eating disorder are more than four times (emphasis mine) as likely to develop the other disorder compared to women who had neither disorder..."  

 I did not abuse any substances prior to developing Anorexia five years ago.

"...the relationship established between substance abuse and eating disorders creates a vicious cycle where they feed on each other and increase their destructiveness." 

Read that one again.  I'll wait.

"...when painful situations arise, food and drugs often become the means for managing stress, especially in the absence of positive coping skills.  A person who is seeking recovery from an eating disorder, for example, might turn to drugs or alcohol to cope with the difficulties encountered in recovery.  (emphasis again mine) In the same way, an individual recovering from a drug or alcohol addiction might develop disordered eating habits to compensate for the lack of chemical reinforcement they once received."



Because I chose to be dishonest with Ken on numerous occasions about drinking when he asked me about it, I may have caused irreparable damage to his trust and ultimately, our relationship,  and now have to face this part of recovery in the midst of the suffering of us both. The context of this suffering emerges from two places.  First, the morally-high standard I held Ken to in terms of honesty with me about absolutely everything going on in his life.  Citing that we live such a distance apart and that he owed me a life of transparency.  Ken, without fault, lived up to his end of this one-sided standard.  Second, upon reuniting with me again last summer, he never asked me to do this perfectly.  He did however, ask me to trust him enough to be honest about my failings in recovery, so he could be there to help, rather than pick up the pieces of some carnage he could have helped prevent.  It is easy to understand why Ken would feel betrayed, lied to and frustrated with my dishonesty.  It is a painful place to be, knowing I caused this lack of trust and anger that I may never be able to repair.

Had Ken, my family and myself, known about the commonness and collusion of these disorders,  I believe it might have been easier for me to come forward with not one, but two stigmatizing, embarrassing and feel-like-a-complete-loser illnesses, from which I must now redouble my efforts to recover from.  

Please know I don't wish for that to have happened as an excuse for lying to everyone about abusing alcohol.  It is just the understanding that might have helped me forgive myself so I can stop with the shame and self-hatred that feeds Olivia and threatens to send me spiraling back to the beginning of this uphill climb.  

I (Olivia) hate the very idea/action/feeling/ evoked in me to admit failure.  To admit that I have been weak and imperfect.  It is a curse of Anorexia that implores one to be in complete control of everything ~ emotion, eating, perfection...everything. 

It makes asking for help a herculean effort.  And I (Olivia) convince myself that I can fix it and that I  do not need help.

And if you know me, I am very convincing.

Olivia demands perfection.  Ironically, she even disparages my failings at recovery, convincing me that Ken (especially) and others will too.  

For me, admitting I am failing and asking for help (especially from people I don't want to disappoint) is like standing at the edge of the highest, rockiest cliff, trying to convince myself to jump, without knowing if there is a safety net below.

Because this thought is so disordered, Olivia endorses it by stabbing logic into my head like knives:

"Don't tell about your drinking! You are failing so badly and this proves it.  If you tell them they will know it too and judge you.  Keep lying to them about it because if they find out how weak you have been they will give up on you.

"If you tell anyone about this, they will think you are a bad mother and your girls will think so too".

"If you tell anyone, they will be so disgusted with you for being so stupid and weak." 

As I work at overcoming this part of my eating disorder, I believe my healing will progress so much faster.  Because when I am thinking with my clear and healthy mind, I realize that so far on this journey, when I do muster the strength to "jump", and trust others to help catch me, it has been true that the net has always been held at the corners by Ken, my mother, my counselor and my community.

So far, the facet of recovery that has been hardest for me to learn, and ultimately has caused the most damage in my life, is to let people hold the corners of the net who want to,  and stop devaluing their roles in my life by not giving them the choice to. 

To this end, I am pressing forward up the ladder(s) of recovery, seeking and receiving help to extinguish this new barrier to full recovery,  to rebuild integrity and trust in my relationships, so I can be a woman worth loving, with the goal to create a life before me worth living.  

I have what it takes to make this happen.  

(But I can't do it alone).

We've got this.

Fuck you, Olivia!

I am worth it.